Desperate Struggle
Her memories always began in the cold, lifeless woods. Pick-up like I was waiting for it.
The reason it was abandoned is clear.
Not worth feeding. Not worth keeping alive. Not worth the trouble of killing.
She realised that she was only that much.
There was nowhere else to go back to. So even though she knew she had been abandoned, she couldn’t move from the spot. She just watched as the footprints she had left behind were covered with snow and disappeared.
Then I breathed on my hands, which were gradually losing feeling, and huddled at the base of the tree, waiting for this meaningless moment to end.
“cold……”
The merciless cold slowly invaded her body. She had almost grown fond of the cold that enveloped her, and so she tried to close her eyes without resisting the sleepiness that was assaulting her.
“…It’s warm.”
The next time I woke up, it was a little warmer than outside.
Poor people who struggled even to find food lived modestly, huddled together. Their lives did not seem to allow them to afford to take in abandoned children.
When I asked why he had picked it up, I received only a brusque reply.
“I just pulled him out because he was still alive.”
The answer left her perplexed, but at the same time, she felt her cold heart tremble violently.
They were trash that had no value in life. They picked them up, knowing that it would make their lives harder, but they gave them something to live for.
It was chilly and her limbs were shaking, but it was warmer there than the place she’d clung to back home.
(…As long as it’s of no use.)
At that moment, Mitina vowed to give everything she had to repay the favor of being found.
He worked from morning till night, gathering firewood and food, and fearlessly tried his hand at hunting. When he was unsuccessful, he ignored his body’s screams and kept going, even in the middle of the night.
And so as not to burden the adults and elderly who looked after her, she never complained or voiced her desires.
In the process, he gained a bravery that came from recklessness, but at the same time, he forgot his own state of mind.
One day, she killed a large animal that even adults were wary of, and after suffering some injuries, the old woman who was like a mother to her said to her with a worried look on her face:
“Mitina… your body is important, don’t do anything to treat it poorly.”
Her eyebrows quirked at his words. It wasn’t that she had any particular desire for death, nor did she intend to treat herself carelessly.
“Instead of just thinking about us, take care of what you want too.”
“I do what I want. I take care of what I want.”
“Haa… you won’t be happy if you continue like that.”
Again, she tilted her head at the old woman’s words.
Her lifestyle, which may have seemed suffocating to adults, was what made her happiest above all else.
When she grew up and decided to go to the royal capital to earn money, everyone said the same thing to her, as if it was their last farewell. They were worried about her and told her to be happy there and find a good man.
“That’s strange. I’ll make a decent living and come back.”
He took on various jobs in the royal capital. One of his original goals was to work at a brothel, but he was turned away because his work wasn’t for sale, but thanks to that he was able to find work as a royal knight.
Neither education nor magical talent was required. All that was required to become a quasi-mercenary knight was strength and the determination to sacrifice one’s life at times. The salary was commensurate with the danger. It was her calling.
He would do any dangerous job without complaint, as long as he was paid. He then bought necessities with the money he earned and returned to his hometown before winter arrived.
At first, the people of her hometown were surprised when she returned, but before long, they began to rejoice as their lives improved little by little each time she returned.
“You’re not doing anything reckless, are you?”
“I haven’t. Even so, I am a fine Black Iron Knight.”
Such titles meant little back home, but she liked the carefree affiliation that gave her all she wanted.
“This should clear up your worries. We’re all fine now. So you need to think about your own happiness.”
“That story again? It’s still better than before, right? I’m happy enough now, so I’ll keep sending you money.”
“You, huh…”
She was satisfied just by knowing that she could make the people of her hometown happy.
She really didn’t know what more she could want.
Her happiness was the happiness of those she cared about.
If the people who had picked her up, the people who had shared their little food with her, the people who had given her a place to return to, could be made even a little happier, then that was all that would mean to her happiness.
So I didn’t feel the need to worry about myself.
To her, I was nothing more than a convenient tool. To repay her kindness, to earn money, I just needed a reasonably healthy body.
There’s no point in me being happy. I honestly thought that it would just waste more money and precious time.
that’s why.
(……warm)
I was confused by the warmth that had suddenly been there so close to me, and by the fact that I was missing it.
“Mitina”
A gentle voice calls my name. Strong arms hold me close, my hair is stroked, and soft lips touch.
Every time this happened, before she knew it, her heart began to beat faster and faster, and she began to feel a sense of comfort as heat was poured into her cold, dry heart.
“Is it cold…?”
Hearing his concerned words, Mitina slowly opened her eyes, and saw the face of a man so handsome it almost seemed unreal.
“I don’t think it’s cold yet… but next time, I’ll make sure you dress properly after we’re done.”
“…”
“Usually, you know… embracing each other naked while basking in the afterglow is what calms me down… I just fell asleep like that, but it’s not like I’m treating you badly.”
Kyelse said this as if to tell Mitina not to get the wrong idea, and then she stood up as Mitina got up. Then she helped her put on the nightgown that had been discarded.
“Are you still sleepy? Make sure you get up and wash your face.”
Kyelse kissed the still dazed Mitina, then got off the bed to get ready for the morning.
As she stared at his back, still bearing the marks she had made with her claws, she recalled her days back home.
It was cold, poor, and yet warm; it was the most precious place to her. She had lived her whole life saying she would do anything to protect that place.
(… rewards, financial assistance)
That was the only reason Mitina had been working hard. She had been working hard to fulfill the secret mission given to her by the king.
But.
–I love you more than anyone…
For her, who had never doubted that Kyelse would end up with another woman, Kyelse’s confession was far too unexpected.
Mitina has to be hated by Kyelse, and she has to help him in various ways so that he can marry someone, Istaria, safely.
That was supposed to be the case.
(Is this reality…? Is it a dream…? Because Kyelse-dono, you loved me so much…)
Memories of Kyelse up until now came to her mind. He had called her ugly, declared that he didn’t see her as a woman, called her filthy, and had called her all sorts of insults. The idea that he had feelings for her seemed like a joke to her.
But, sure enough, before I knew it, he had stopped meaninglessly criticizing Mitina. On the contrary, he began to treasure her.
(If that is true… what should I do…? Should I accept Kyelse-dono’s feelings…?)
If she continued to rely on his kindness, he would surely not change; in fact, he would cherish and love Mitina even more than before. Imagining such a life, she realized that she was strongly attracted to him.
Warm, gentle and comfortable.
A place that has always been there, a place that you want to return to.
I want to stay by his side like this. I want him to cherish me. I want him to love me.
She wasn’t sure if it was an emotion like love or romance, but she knew the desire in her heart.
However, at the same time that her heart was stirred by such sweet fantasies, Mitina was reminded of the time she had received her secret mission.
–I will provide a special salary for five years and financial support to Mitina’s hometown.
– I’ll take it on! Yes, leave it to me!
Suddenly, an unpleasant coldness and heaviness spread through the pit of my stomach.
The reason why she had been by Kyelse’s side all this time was for the sake of the mission, for the sake of money. That’s why she even accompanied him in his training to cure his obsessive-compulsive disorder. That’s why she had come into contact with him, made love to him.
When she is confronted with this reality, she asks herself a very pointed question.
”You were with him for such impure motives, so how can you expect to accept his feelings now?”
(That’s not possible――)
What would Kyelse think if she knew the truth? That she had been deceived and tricked by a woman who was after her money? That she had even come to love such a woman?
Just thinking about it made her heart ache, and she shook her head instinctively. Her heart was wracked with guilt at the cruelty she had inflicted.
A woman like her shouldn’t be cherished by him. She shouldn’t be loved by him.
Because that’s what she thought.
He turned his eyes away from Kyelse’s feelings, pretending not to even see the emotions hidden in his own heart.
(Don’t give up! That’s right, first I need to clear up Lady Istaria’s misunderstanding… I’ll go and see her in person and ask her to marry Kyelse…)
With her head in a confused state and narrow-minded, Mitina came to this realization and quickly changed her clothes. Then, she tried to escape from the mansion and head to the royal castle. She was going to wait for the right opportunity to get Zeffen’s permission to go and see Istaria.
However, on her way to the mansion’s entrance, she was caught by Kyelse.
“Hey, I told you to wash your face. Your hair is so messy…Come on, I’ll fix it for you.”
“Huh…”
As usual, Mitina instinctively brushed away the hand that was extended to touch her hair.
“Wh-what are you doing?”
“Sorry… I can do it myself.”
“You probably haven’t done it yet. Wait, where are you going?”
“I’ll be at work early today. I won’t need breakfast.”
“Huh!?”
She said that one-sidedly and tried to escape from his grasp, but Kyelse naturally wasn’t convinced by what she was saying, so he grabbed her wrist and turned her towards him.
“What’s wrong, what on earth happened――”
“Don’t touch me!”
Mitina, who had accidentally raised her voice, looked at him in shock. Seeing his obviously hurt expression, her heart ached deeply and a sob nearly escaped her throat.
Still, she shook off his hand and ran out of the mansion.
It’s okay if we don’t spend any more time together. It’s okay if he doesn’t like me anymore. It’s okay if we don’t touch each other anymore.
Those words kept repeating in my head.
Without even thinking about what she wanted to do, Mitina simply told herself to complete her mission, and continued to pathetically turn a blind eye to reality.
Even though deep down I know that such selfish, desperate efforts are pointless.
“…Mitina.”
“Y-Yes.”
As I thought over what I needed to do to complete the mission, the time suddenly turned to mid-afternoon. And before I knew it, Zeffen was standing in front of me, peering at me with a worried look on his face.
“You look paler than yesterday. I wonder if you’re feeling unwell.”
“No, I’m fine.”
He immediately puts up a bluff, but it’s meaningless in front of Zeffen. He lowers his eyes for a moment and then gets straight to the point.
“Did something happen with Kyelse?”
“…………nothing”
“Really?”
Mitina stood up to avoid Zeffen’s questioning and bowed her head respectfully.
“Commander Zeffen, I have somewhere I want to go now, so may I leave for a bit?”
“…Ah, never mind.”
“thank you”
“Mitina”
Just as I was about to leave the office, someone called out to me. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Zeffen’s face, so I turned around with my head down, and he spoke to me in a gentle voice.
“If you’re having trouble, come talk to me. You’ll always try to do things that are too much for you.”
“…”
“Instead of prioritizing work, you should also think about what you want to do.”
“……yes”
She replied in a dejected voice, because she had no confidence that she could carry out Zeffen’s advice correctly.
What do you want to do? It’s obvious. To complete a mission and get a reward.
I told myself that there was nothing I wanted more than that.
(Is it really okay if I can just complete my mission?)
Shaking off the thought that suddenly occurred to her, Mitina continued to walk around the castle town.
I had to meet Istaria. And like King Regula had said, I had to get him to marry Kyelse. I wanted to believe that if I did that, everything would be fine.
“Oh, Mitina.”
“Lady Istaria.”
Luckily, Mitina was able to find Istaria in the colorful streets below the castle. With her birthday party fast approaching, she was sure to be out shopping in town to refresh herself, and her prediction turned out to be correct.
“Aren’t you working today?”
“I had to talk to Lady Istaria for a bit, so I took some time off.”
“Talk? To me?”
Mitina felt relieved to see that Istaria didn’t seem to be worried about what had happened the other day.
“Well, the other day when we met at the royal castle… the truth is, at that time Kyelse-dono was acting strangely because of the magic potion.”
“Magic potion…? Kyelse drinks strange things too.”
The words about to come out of her mouth as if confessing that she had exaggerated the situation, but Mitina swallowed them. If Istaria became suspicious of her, the mission would be a complete failure.
Luckily, Mitina is now treated as a friend, so I need to take action now.
Thinking like this, he was overcome with intense self-loathing, wondering what a cruel thing he had done to Istaria, who had been treating him so kindly.
However, she managed to hold it in and somehow explained the situation to Istaria.
“So, what Kyelse-dono said back then was not what she really thought.”
“…Is that so?”
“Yes. Please rest assured. Kyelse-sama does not treat Istaria-sama with any ill will. Personally, I think so.”
Mitina held her breath and clutched her chest as the pain continued. She tried to smile calmly, as naturally as possible so as not to give any sense of discomfort.
“I often think that you two are a good match.”
“Yeah?”
“You two have similar aesthetic sense, and Kyelse-dono, who is picky about beauty, doesn’t complain about Lady Istaria’s cuteness. Also, since you are childhood friends, it seems like Kyelse-dono has opened up her heart to Lady Istaria.”
As I said it, I thought to myself, that’s true.
There must be some mistake in thinking that Kyelse has feelings for Mitina. It’s true that he is a man with some flaws in his personality, but he is still the captain of the Silver Knights, the star of the kingdom’s knights, a man who is acknowledged by everyone as handsome, and a man overflowing with talent, so much so that it could be said that he is doted on by God.
There’s no way a man like that would like to like someone as mediocre as him.
The woman who deserves to be by his side is not an ugly, cold-hearted foundling, but a beautiful, ladylike woman who knows him well.
He is exactly like Istaria.
“I thought that Lady Istaria would be able to make Kyelse-dono happy–“
“Hey!”
A familiar voice came, and at the same time, her wrist was grabbed forcefully.
Surprised, she turned towards the voice and saw Kyelse standing there. With a look of mixed anxiety and anger on his face, he glared at Mitina and told Istaria briefly that she was in the way.
“K, Kyelse.”
“Just come.”
Judging from Kyelse’s behavior, Mitina wondered if she had overheard her conversation with Istaria, and a chill ran down her spine. However, she was unable to run away, and ended up being dragged by Kyelse to the mansion.
and.
“What do you mean… Mitina?”
Kyelse asked her question in a grave voice, her gaze pleading as she looked at her.
Cornered, Mitina took a deep breath as if she had made up her mind.
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