I’m in a hurry
I feel like crying. I want to disappear. I can’t take it anymore.
It took him so much time to get me used to it, and touched me until I was properly wet.
Even though Norihiro wasn’t at fault, I got scared at the thought of it being real and ended up tensing up, and even though he said “It’s okay” and moved forward slowly, it hurt so much that I couldn’t get it in at all.
Even though Norihiro was erect.
I knew but couldn’t do anything.
I unconsciously closed my legs as a sign of refusal, and so it was really awful that we couldn’t go all the way.
Norihiro was always telling me kindly, “Relax” and “It’ll be okay, I’ll take it easy.”
Norihiro was kind until the end, and even when he realized that this was not possible, he never got angry or annoyed.
I thought I’d stop for today.
He said this to me while stroking my head, and didn’t blame me even though I was half crying, just laughed as usual.
He continued, “I’m sorry for being selfish, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to stay,” and I realized that he had chosen the word “selfish” to be considerate so that I wouldn’t mind, and I just felt so sorry.
I fell asleep with feelings of regret, shame, and apologise, and woke up to the morning.
I was woken up by the light streaming in through the window and slowly opened my eyes, realizing that I was sleeping with someone holding me from the front.
“…Are you still sleeping?”
There was no reply to the question he whispered, but he could hear the faint sound of breathing in his sleep.
Feeling guilty again for feeling relieved that he wasn’t awake, I shut my eyes tightly and pretended to be asleep so he wouldn’t notice that I was awake.
Because if our eyes met, I wouldn’t know what to say.
Should I just apologise and say I’m sorry I can’t do it?
Should I just say “good morning” as if nothing had happened?
I don’t know if it’s okay to say, “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything for you when you touched me and made me feel good.”
I’ve already failed, so I’m afraid I’ll say something stupid again and be disliked, so I can’t go.
I’m afraid they’ll say something like, “We’re not compatible after all, let’s break up.”
“yeah……”
“Hk!”
Norihiro moved slightly while speaking in a low, husky voice.
My shoulders trembled with fear, but thankfully Norihiro was still asleep.
Maybe it was because I was in a deep drowsiness and unconscious. He pulled me to him along with the futon, and our already close distance became even closer.
Yesterday, I barely managed to put on underwear, but I went to bed without any clothes on.
Because of this, our skin, not through fabric, was pressed tightly against each other, and although the warmth was pleasant and calming, my heart was pounding uncontrollably.
The conflicting emotions make it hard to breathe.
When I thought about whether I would have woken up in the morning feeling purely happy if I had done well yesterday, I felt like crying.
“I, I wanted to…”
I should have told you from the beginning that it would be okay even if it hurt or was painful.
Since I didn’t want my first time to be with anyone other than Norihiro, I should have just asked him to go ahead with it even if it meant forcing myself a little instead of crying.
I wonder if next time I’ll be in trouble if you force me and tell me it’s okay.
I really feel that way, so why couldn’t I do it yesterday?
The more I think back on yesterday, the more regret I feel.
Thinking that I had to make a comeback quickly, I leaned in and pressed my skin against his tight body.